I dont know why I am blogging

I was just wondering to myself..."why am I doing this?"

Part of me want to "believe" it is helpful.....or meaningful....or whatever.

It is? I dont friggin know.

To be honest.....alls I want is to play poker well enough so I can make a really good living....even more than the Mariners winning the world series.

In order.
1) Play poker for a living well (be able to 4+ table at least 3/6 and above profitably
2) Mariners win the world series
3) Seahawks win the Superbowl.

Well...Actually I would just like to be happy in my life....Its been an extremely long time since I was....I worry so much about things.

I'd give anything to go back in time.....
I'd give anything just to be moderately happy.....
I'd give anything not to hurt inside so much.....

I'd give my soul, if someone would coach me to play winning poker on a consistant basis....

Of course no one wants my soul though...so I;ll continue to play an A game for 100k hands...then lose 1/2 of the winnings the next 100k hands....stop playing because I cant figure out whats wrong (know I am doing something wrong...but dont know what it is)....and then start playing again....and win again.

ARGH...its so fucking frustrating.....Its like I hit a wall.....I know what variance is....and its not just standard variance....its in a general way I am playing and cant figure it out.

I have so many places for improvement (it feels that way....dunno if true or not)

If someone can get me to a 3ptbb winner at 3/6...hell....I;d be willing to give them 5% of my winnings for half a year (LOL....someone spends 20 hours...and gets 20k...lol)

Nancy Sue called today.....I dont know what to think.....I was so happy back then...I scarificed so much of myself last time....I am the unluckiest person alive...lol

I feel like I have nothing to gain...and nothing to lose.....and it sucks....I'd rather feel like I have only a 1% chance and be able to persue what I want....

I'm not making any sense